On Demand: Free Movies! What is it good for?

This.

Calendar Girl Murders is a unique film one might never watch unless faced with other equally uninteresting options proffered up by On Demand. You will probably decide to watch this film after scanning through A-L and M-Z twice, and acquiesce by saying, 'Well. Sharon Stone's in it."

In spite of the sluggish plot typical of an 80s flick, there are some real heart-pounding moments in Calendar Girl Murders. Like, when Sharon Stone takes off her glasses, and when you realize that, yes, Tom Skerritt's character is indeed named Detective Stoner.

The true merit of this silver-screen slammer is the dialogue, of course. A few of my favorite lines include when Detective Stoner and his partner are sitting on a stake, and Stoner turns down the offer for a fried snack by describing his healthy diet of, "a little chicken...a little fish...little red meat. Lots of vegetables...steamed." Or, when Stoner is asked about suspects for the case, and he replies in a more than disinterested tone of voice, "Oh, I don't know. There are a lot." And finally, the best comes when Stoner and his partner are tracking a suspect, and they watch him enter his house and proceed to follow. Stoner knocks on the door and pretends to be a photo-lab employee. When the man opens the door and sees Stoner's gun he slams the door closed to Stoner pleading, "I'm sorry. I lied! Please let me in!" Needless to say, the suspect runs out the back door and drives away. Nice work, detective. **

The most brow contorting part of the film, however, comes at the end. This is when the murderer is in the process of trying to burn down Stoner's house and wife, and when she is caught, instead of being cuffed, is embraced by Stoner for an uncomfortably long time before he proceeds to console his almost-murdered wife. Hm.

I'm just sayin', you might want to spend a Tuesday night with a friend or two reveling in this masterpiece. Do not, however, watch this movie alone. You'll just feel weird.


** Quotes not verbatim. I have been repeating these lines for days now...Go forth.